It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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