Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
