Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
