I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
