I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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