we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
