dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
