Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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