Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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