I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
