I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Someone shattered a urinal.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
