I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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