He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Be still, my beating vagina.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
