I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
