Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
