I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
