Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize