I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
