He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
