Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
