the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
