You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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