here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
