He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
