I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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