I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
