I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize