every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
