not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
