the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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