My friends, they love my intelligence
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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