You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
My breath smells like gin and sadness
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
