god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
