Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You made out with two different species that night
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
