Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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