my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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