i think i have two assholes
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
