I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I could fuck to npr.
Randomize
