do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
