why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
