at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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