you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
