My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
