the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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