my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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