I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
