i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
