If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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