If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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