I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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