I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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