Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
3pm strippers are depressing
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
