I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
then he tried to convert me to islam
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
