I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
