Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
