It was confusing and full of hummus
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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