how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
