i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
