My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
