just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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