i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
