I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
